Me in a nutshell which is weird

So I was abandon by both my parents when I was young. I went to 12 different schools so I had no stability or love. I grew up understanding I was worthless, I cant say NO to people. I cling onto people thinking they will leave, I over explain everything to be sure people understand and wont leave, I say Im sorry all the time, I feel like the black sheep in the family and always have been. I don't know who I really am anymore, I did at one point in my childhood and I loved me but then that faded. I did drugs then got clean, I had a child I love more than anything and im overprotective and attached but he knows he loved. im 38 years old and I don't speak to either narcissistic parent at this time

Hi nevergiveup, I completely understand the "over explaining". It was until recently that I realised I was doing it compulsively. I'm not sure if I do it for fear of someone leaving or just some kind of reassurance that I am OK. Probably both. My family mocked it as over sensitive and my mother would make fun of me to her friends. When I wasn't there she would say that I am her favourite child because I was so raw and honest. It sounds like you are quite self aware and would never allow emotional neglect to happy to your little one. He\she is very lucky.

I think I over explain for validation. I was so invalidated as a child. I always did well in school considering how many I went to but I had to always relearn everyones way or system so I had to pay attention and it was something I had control over and could be in charge of how well I did and was the only one who would reap the benefits so I was an A student. that's a positive thing I guess from all the negative in my childhood. I just recentatly found out what a narcassists was and then my old lawyer came over one day and asked about how my mom was doing and I guess whatever I said she pegged me right off and told me to read running on empty. I have started it and I have watched her videos and went to her web site and feel like I have finally found my answers which is a scary but freeing process. I cant finish the book because I cry so hard every time I start reading it almost like I have been a prisoner for 38 years and someone let me out and set me free and its so overwhelming that I get hysterical because its still so shocking. I mean I was so blind and wrong and have been catering to my abandoning Narcissistic father so when I realized it wasn't me, it was like whoa....what has been going on all these years. CEN and Narcissistic parents describe my situations to a T. I told myself one time when I was younger, it was like a promise to myself but I meant it with every fiber of my being, I said if I ever have a child I will NEVER treat him the way my parents treated me. Its going well so far. He has not moved but once when I left his Dad who signed over his right when my son was 3. I want him to know what it is like to be normal and grow up with the same kids in school through these years and feel stable and secure in his home and that Mom will always be there for him financially, and emotionally. I try to understand and listen to him all the time. Thanks for the compliment of on my mothering. Its not easy but its his life and he didn't chose all this so I have to be sure I take this time to do my very best and make the sacrifices and know I did my best and he is happy, I have no idea usually what I am doing though because I have no examples to go from my childhood.
When you said reassurance that you are OK, I think that sounds like validation too. Have you looked into that subject to see what you were lacking there? My mother did the same thing to me. Over sensitive...heard that one all the time, crap it sounds insane when you think about it. It like saying your too nice?!!?!?!?!? How can that even be a bad thing? but leave it to them and they will make sure it is a negative thing.Im sorry anyone ever treated you that way. I don't know you but I know 100 % you didn't deserve that. why is there no one else on here. just this reply from you makes me feel stronger and no so alone

I know what you mean about the book. I remember looking around once on the train wondering how all these people didn't have any of these issues! How calm and lovely it much be to have a foundation and a sense of oneself! Geez how great would it be to simply "know what I want" without bit changing shortly after. The biggest step for me was understanding that the emotional neglect started way before I could even influence it. That helps with the self blame ALOT.
As for your son, the thing I can't understand is it seems so incredibly natural to me to assume that someone's child is loved unconditionally! How does it happen that (my) parents could simply not? I always assumed I was a rotten specimen that drove them to it. It was good news to realise it started before I could play an active role. I imagine being a single mother without a ( assumed) sounding board must be pretty difficult if you didn't get the love and nurture that you needed. Saying that, I bet it' s quite beneficial for your son to see your vulnerabilities. That's valuable too.

Hello Nevergiveup and monbon. Warmest welcome to the forum You are both the first member at CENtalk. Congratulation! I think we all share similar themes in our lives, and it is interesting that there is so much diversity in CEN.

monbon wrote:As for your son, the thing I can't understand is it seems so incredibly natural to me to assume that someone's child is loved unconditionally! How does it happen that (my) parents could simply not? I always assumed I was a rotten specimen that drove them to it. It was good news to realise it started before I could play an active role.

I'm happy that you had this realisation. It takes some of that natural tendency to self-blame away, which can only be a good thing. This is a good example of the diversity I mentioned. For me growing up, I realised that I was loved unconditionally. But it had the opposite effect on me. I didn't feel valued for me, I didn't know who I was. I just grew up believing that parents loved their children unconditionally, and that way the love wasn't because of me. It was just something that was given. It was empty to me. I didn't feel that it was because of 'me', it was just something that was there because it had to be!